I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize