um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
