Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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