That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
