just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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