I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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