just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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