Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
she peed on how many people?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
