ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
