At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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