When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
