why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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