Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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