my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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