Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my phone needs a breathalizer
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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