It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
