these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
