the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize