Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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