All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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