Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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