Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
