Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
