I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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