Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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