were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
