Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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