Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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