I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
