Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
