If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
