she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
