Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
