if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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