He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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