I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
