Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
