She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
