Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
