Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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