wake up i wanna do it froggy style
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
