I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
