Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
