From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
