im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
