Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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