My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
