So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
