Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
