Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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