Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
