Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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