how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
