put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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