I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize