Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
